We can go on and on
Won’t ever feel too long
I’ll always call you home
And we’ll go on and on
‘Cause I know you like the back of my hand
Got a heart of gold and a piece of land
I’m your girl and you’re my man
And we’re makin’ plans
This hit me the other day like a ton of bricks when I was having a hard time dealing with a "change of plans". You see Byron and I were expecting our first child. It seemed surreal. My whole life I have been so excited to be a mom. Sure I was into the wedding and all the exciting landmarks that lead up to it but being a mom, now that is the ultimate goal! That is my dream. I always joke about how I am running out of time. I mean the Mayan calender is ending right around the corner. We have to hurry this up. I was just as shocked as Byron was when I told him. I couldn't believe the time had actually come. A baby! Wow. How do you really wrap you mind around that? It is incredible to see your body start to change, you get sick and you could care less because it is for a reason so much bigger than yourself. We were keeping this quiet. After working at an OBGYN office I knew all about the risk and all the scary things that could go wrong. But I never actually thought it would happen to us. It is just something you think you should worry about but preparation for an actual loss does not really seem realistic. Well it didn't to me at least. Just like every other anxious mother waiting for the first appointment it seems like an eternity. But you spend hours reading on the internet about what to eat and how to exercise. You feel overwhelmed with all the information but you take it all in and buy your time until you get to go in and hear that amazing heartbeat.
I know all women know very well about a woman's instinct. I know the men out there don't really buy into it but it is a real as it gets. I woke up the morning of our first appointment and immediately I felt a gloom take over. I started brushing my teeth and I realized there was no excitement. What was wrong with me? I had been waiting weeks for this day. As Byron and I were driving to the appointment I was telling him how I had a feeling something was wrong. He tried his best to assure me that everything was fine but I could tell he knew my instincts had come through before. He was not about to let me worry about something that had not even happened yet so he stayed as positive as he could.
We went into the sono room and Dr. Perret came in. She was amazing and her attitude immediately soothed me. But the pit was still there. It never left. She knew I was nervous and so she started joking and laughing and for a moment I though that maybe I am just being a worrier. However, when she started the ultrasound her tone off voice completely changed and I knew what she was going to say. There was no heartbeat.
I can not explain the moments that followed that statement because it all seems a little fuzzy now. There was a lot of blood work and a procedure that followed a couple days later. And then there I was, back home laying in bed to recover and no longer pregnant. Just like that, that life was gone. How do you go back to where you were before? Well, the answer is simple, you don't. I sat there thinking about all the plans I had been making the last couple of months. All the ideas and events that were supposed to happen. They were gone too. Once again I had to remind myself, I can make all the plans I want but my plans are not always God's plans. I love planning and dreaming, it is fun and I find it to be therapeutic. What is so hard to accept is that we don't get to choose our future. We just get to make decisions to alter the paths we go down. After a lot of tears and lots of quiet time I have come to the conclusion that I am not the only one that has gone through this or will go through this. But no one ever talks about it because it is so sad. I have days where I am an open book and some where if someone mentions it I burst into tears. I have had some long talks with some dear friends who have gone through the same thing. But I know full well that God has this taken care of. Just like all the other moments in our lives, once we are willing to give up the battle and let him guide us, he will.
This blog is for all the other women (and men) out there that have gone through this or will go through this. At the end of the day we have to give it to him. We have to give the baby to him. All of them. The ones that make it into this world and the ones that are taken before we ever even hear a heartbeat.
One verse that has been my saving grace during this process is "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4". God knows our hearts and our desires. In his time I will be a mother again. I am holding on to that truth and I want every woman who has gone through this to hold onto that too. God KNOWS your desires. He knows. He has the plans and the perfect timing. We just have to allow him to get get us there. In the mean time just hold on to that truth. God has great plans for us, greater than we could ever plan for ourselves. So keep making your plans and when they change just allow yourself to change with them. Take it as growth and use it in your future. A future that will be greater than anything we could have planned for.